YODAN MOVIE FORMULA RATINGS:
Each category is marked out of 10 (1 being worthless corpse, 10 being superninja – a status just below me) and there are, in my amazingly accurate can-never-be-wrong-ninja-brain (even though I have changed it just recently. Silence those that mutter hypocrite! I will slay thee!), 20 categories. They are:
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ACTING – (ACT)
This is a combination with the average score determing the overall rating of how the leads performed in the film? Were they super arctic monkey cool or foul smelling bog of eternal stench bad? And, did the hired help have a dazzling day or a torrid tempest of a time adding or subtracting to the general class of the film? Oooh, look at me and my posh ninlingo (ninja lingo).
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AVERGAGE – (AVE)
This category is based on whether it is well known by the average person on the street. I ask a select crowd of people, before I slay them mercilessly, if they know the film and then score accordingly.
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BOX OFFICE & BUDGET – (B&B)
The score here is determined by research into how much they made back from the Box Office compared to how much they spent on the film overall. This will work in a fair way for a recent blockbuster and a 1920’s classic.
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BELIEVABLE – (BLV)
Quite simply how believable was the story compared to the script, actor’s performances, etc…
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EMPATHY – (EMP)
Did you have empathy with any of the main characters? You have to relate with them otherwise you’ll never connect to a plot. I find this very true when tracking my enemy. I have to get under their skin so as to understand them better. Figuratively and sometimes, literally.
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ENDING – (END)
An ending is a powerful part of the film and if this didn’t move you or feel like it brought events together well then it hasn’t done the job, has it?
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FAN-BASE & CULT-FOLLOWING – (F&C)
More and more films are being remade and created solely on previous fan base. Spiderman, Lord of the Rings, etc… But some gain it whilst making it or become a cult classic afterwards such as Scream and The Crow respectively. With my ninja powers I will determine what rating they recieve for both whether they got the status before or after release and YoDan slap the result down.
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GOALS – (GLS)
Did the characters or events pursue meaningful goals or ambitions? These are key elements in the drive of character performance and if they did not then likely the film felt a little shallow or lacking direction. You see, when I am after an enemy I have to really want it. It’s no good just half-heartedly trying to kill them as it really looks unprofessional and can get a little sloppy to say the least. Also the victim appreciates it more if you seem to give a crap. There is nothing worse then being killed by an indifferent assassin who deems that all life lacks meaning. We call them Nihilinja’s. When I kill you I will mean to kill you. Tell me, what would you prefer?
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JOURNEY – (JRN)
Did you follow the story, even if you only get it at the end, and did it make sense? Or did it piss you off so much it made you want to gouge your eye out with a cocktail umbrella? If not watch Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle and enjoy your future of pain filled blindness.
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LENGTH – (LGT)
Did the film feel too long or too short? This is more of an instinct thing but if you dying for the film to end or shocked by its abrupt ending then the editors may of got this wrong and should be strung up by the happy trail and yanked off in a smooth, sharp motion.
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MESSAGE – (MSG)
What was the message of the film and did they transmit that throughout the film? A bad film will trail off and explore pointless things and get sidetracked in effects or twists too complicated. Like Dreamcatcher.
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NINJA COOLNESS – (NJC)
This is one just for us ninjas and mere mortals need not apply. Feel free to use this rating but don’t be surprised to find if while out, maybe eating a tasty southern fried chicken dinner, you hear a snap and turn around to find to find me, YoDan stealing your chicken. You relax then wonder what the snapping you heard was and stepping towards me to ask you feel your spinal cord part from your skull and slide easily down the inside of your, what can now only be called, backskin and crunch heavily into the bottom of your left leg making it look like a bag full of toy building blocks. The snap, you realise as you drift out of consciousness, was me painlessly (for me not for you) separating your head from your spine at the connection in your neck. So don’t do it again!
No I don’t overreact!
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OPPOSITION – (OPP)
Every protagonist (main character) needs obstacles to overcome otherwise the film would be yawnsville (check out The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to that note). Sometimes this may come in the form of an antagonist (An opponent or obstacle maker to the protagonist). Even if he/she couldn’t overcome them they must of tried to survive them somehow or avoid them and thats what makes a film tense. Magic.
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PLOT – (PLT)
Within the realm of the world created by the film did the plot make sense or was it just a hash of badly connected lines with no real intent or purpose other then to annoy us on a regular basis with its lack of direction or professionalism? Just like the London public transport system.
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PRESENTATION – (PRS)
How well did the director and crew present the film. The overall look and feel of a film can make for an amazing display for the imagination. This takes into account costume, special-effects, set-design, location, ninja camera use and editing in one.
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PROMOTION – (PRO)
A films sucess can depend entirely on the promotion it is given and can affect its box office takings dramatically whilst having as much substance as healthy low-fat crisps. Basically, Kingdom of Heaven. So this is a big area to look at when rating a film and can change the score by quite a bit.
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REWARDS – (REW)
This is a category to assess its awards, reviews and internet feedback. It may generate a lot of revenue even though it didn’t do well during its opening week or so. By the way, ninja’s hate reviews. We don’t do well with criticism. But please, feel free to comment on the blog guys.
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SCRIPT – (SCR)
Without a good one of these there is no film. There might be an actor’s improv but definitely no film and a ninja needs his films otherwise his knees fall off. And we need our knees.
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STUPID PEOPLE (OR KIDS) AND THEIR THOUGHTS – (SPOKATT)
Sadly SPOKATT is becoming the major reason why crap films are doing so well when they should be quietly huddled in a darkened corner with only their well-earned shame to keep them company whilst all the other well made films nudge each other and tell them if they ignore the poor thing then it will eventually go away. Kids views are fair enough. Their brains haven’t developed and can’t help loving cartoon animals who can talk, fat, colourful aliens and purple dinosaurs. Adults have no excuse. Stupid people, stop liking films just because you’re supposed to and because your friends might like it. Have an original thought otherwise I may have to stalk you like prey and mount you. Erm, on my mantle-piece I mean. I don’t generally mount people. That would be very un-ninjalike. Unless it’s Mrs YoDan. Then I mount away. Yeehah! Anyway, you’re ruining it for everyone. I hope you’re happy.
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TWENTY YEARS TIME – (TYT)
Will this film, in my humble (yeah right) opinion, be remembered in twenty years? Can it stand the test of time. I have. And, boy, let me tell you Time gave me a really hard test. It was, like, mutiple choice but some of those questions were super-genius difficult. Like, How old am I? Time’s age?!? That’s not fair. Nobody existed before Time so we would be unable to know the exacy year. But I said Time didn’t look a day over 25 and that got me a pass. Sweet.
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Well, there you go guys. The updated version of my truly epic ninja movie formula. Let me know what you think and I’ll keep posting away until global domination or I get bored. Just kidding. I once out-stared Sauron. And he’s one giant fiery eyeball on a huge black craggy tower and the dark lord that hangs over all of middle earth (that’s the one between upper and lower earth). He so looked away first. Kept making the excuse that there was something in his eye. Yeah, my supreme ninja victory. In your face!…or eye, I suppose. Yeah, in your eye…sorry it lacks something now. I won put it that way and am unable to get bored, ever. Unless Big Brother’s on. Then, I’m just like so tired all of a sudden and really need to do my Ninjaxes (ninja tax returns) or watch David Blaine sit in a box for a week.
If you think movie, think YoDan!
You Dare to say WHAT?!?